It all started with a kinky BBC show about people who fall in love with inanimate objects. Supposedly, there is a woman married to the Berlin Wall and another woman in love with the Eiffel Tower. Okay, the Eiffel Tower I understand. It’s very shapely.

Other than a good laugh I wouldn’t have thought more about the show, but then I read about a line of priests that are said to guard a tree in the woodlands of Diana, the roman goddess of fertility.

Story goes something like this: Goddess Diana set up shop in the Woodlands of Nemi, later named the Sacred Grove of Diana. In this forest two lesser gods hangout with her, Egeria, the nymph of clear water (did I mention there was a lake in the forest) and Virbius, chaste and fair, who ran around hunting with Diana. So in love with his fellow huntress, Virbius spurned all other admirers, which eventually got him killed—a couple of times. In order to keep Virbius alive and safe, Diana hid him away in the Sacred Grove, where he became the 1st King of the Wood. (Love it!)

You’re wondering how swooning over the Eiffel Tower is linked to this myth. I’m getting there. The protectors of the Sacred Grove are priests. Legend puts Virbius as the 1st King and also as the first priest. These priests, throughout history, are said to guard a sacred tree, which is the special embodiment of the fertility goddess. As far back as 57 A.D. priests have been recorded as embracing and kissing this tree, pouring wine on its roots and lying under its shadow. Clearly believing this tree is the goddess, Diana.

Okay, let’s jump a few thousand years forward to India where tribes marry men and women to trees. Yes, if it can happen in Italy it can happen in India. This was done to change the marital hierarchy and also to change astrological outcomes. This is now illegal as the beautiful actress, Aishwarya Rai, found out when she married a tree in 2006.

Now, let’s take another leap to cell memory. This theory states that our cells retain memories separate from the brain and as our cells’ DNA is past on so are these memories. This theory came about after organ transplant recipients began changing habits after receiving organs from others. The recipients recorded having memories that were not his or hers. Now, what if love of inanimate objects has been passed down through centuries of religious belief? Diana’s tree. The Catholic cross. Shiva’s trident. Can it be programmed in our gene pool? In our DNA? Are some of us destined to fall in love with shoes?